UUUUU vacation

I have just came back from my vacation a couple of hours ago! It was no typical vacation, I call them “U vacation” (unpredictable difficult, unbelievable interesting and unexpected inspiring) I decided to take time for my self and I went for 10 days to Vipassana Meditation Camp in Belgium. I have had so many thought, impressions and a lot of energy, I have feeling I can reach Everest and hug all people in the world; defiantly I’ve recharged my mind.

How did I figure out about such thing, in Autumn 2007, I went for coffer with one Estonian friend and he asked me what I’m doing at Christmas, I had no particular plans yet, he recently asked me would I like to join him for meditation camp for 10 days. I’ve been confused; “10 days of meditation; 10 days of silence meditation; are you kidding?” I said. Viljio is a guy with good sense of humor and I really thought for awhile that he was joking, but he said: “Asked Marjam she went with me last year.” Late I had some conversation with Marjam, saw Siim’s inspiring video after his experience at meditation camp and already in the end of 2008 I decided that I’ll take one of this course for sure and I have done it:) I guess it’s a good an example the emergence of thought. Thank you guys, I’m really grateful to you for giving me that thought.

Vipassana is one of India’s most ancient meditation techniques. The word Vipassana means seeing things as they really are. It’s the process of self purification by self-observation. Simply you have to keep silence for 10 days, don’t make physical and eyes contacts with other student, men & women live separately; student lives by course timetable (wake up at 4a.m. and get to bed at 9.30p.m.) and you are aloud to talk just on special time to teach; student should fallow all rules and follow daily tasks; no books, no TV, internet, mobile, pen/pencil, no sport, nothing….just you and your mind!
I thought the most difficult would be keep silence, but actually it was the simplest part and at some point I started to enjoy it, the difficult part was to work with my brain. I guess I have never worked so hard 10 days on a roll by my mind. Mind is so talkative and it was the most hard to accept the present/reality like it is and to leave on the moment. Thought was flying from past to future from dreaming to planning from good to bad. It’s not possible to stop them, at least for such short time, it’s a really hard work to become really peaceful and happy; but I realized that work helps to eliminate/decrease level of unhappiness.
I’m happy person and I choose to be happy, but sometime life brings difficult moment, news, challenges and it’s hard sometimes to keep happiness, but I guess now I know how to accept the reality like it is ( at least on theoretical level). I hope I’ll see that on practice in real life as well :) “It’s a hard work, but you must try, before your succeed.” Our teacher always said that :)

My U lessons are:
•trust your intuition – To reach a meditation camp (venue) was not so easy, because it’s located on a middle of nowhere in Belgium, but I had to pass thought Holland before come to Belgium again :) My trip started with traveling by car with 3 random, whom I didn’t know at all, I had scared thought, but my soul was calm and as result I’ve been luck all my trip with busses, timelines and people who were just very helpful.

•everyone is beautiful just we have to see that beauty;

•believe in yourself – I knew that I can manage and I did, I have never thought that I can leave a meditation camp during that 10 days, because it was so painful to meditate or to difficult to work or something else, I simply I believe in myself and my goal. When we got permission to talk with other student on last day so many people said they wanted to leave a course on some point.

•never compeer yourself with other, because everyone has a different experience, interest, goals, level of ambition etc. stay unique and make your own history; I met so many interesting people, out of my usual social group. People who does art, clown, workers from retirement home, doctors, artists, entrepreneurial, composer, hick hiking girl and girl whom studies development system (I have never heard about such education, her specialization food development system in poor countries). Every of them had an interesting story to share, in some moment I’ve been imprested of the diversity of the word; but my story is an amazing one too and it’s my own story.

•don’t criticize yourself, just accept it. In some point then we disappoint or frustrated by ourselves, we struggle to be better, to make more or to achieve more. To struggle is good, but love your self enough to accept your strength and weaknesses; make most of them with enjoying of doing even mistakes, because it’s our best teachers. I guess that one of the hard lesson for me, however step by step I’m changing my attitude and become in love with that lesson.

•Just present is a reality. I guess that point and the next one the most difficult for me so far I haven’t really learn properly yet but I’m on a way :) I realized it more and more, I tend to think and accept the reality like it is, although it is easy to say then implements that lesson in real life.

•Love is one way traffic. I’m interested of positive physiology and happy attitude to the life. On some point of my life I became to point that love to other is a very good feeling; letter I realized that love yourself (don’t be selfish, please don’t get me wrong) it’s a way to show the love to others; keep happiness though making other happy; sound good, favour enough, doesn’t it?
During the course every evening we had an audio seminar and some of them are about love; when you just give and don’t expect anything back. I thought hm… I do that, I just love people and that is a good feeling. But later during deeper explanation and I got an idea that mostly we create unhappiness by ourselves. How doest it work? We unhappy when something doesn’t happened; why? Simply because we were expecting that it must happened or we have created that in our mind. I started to analyze that actually it happened with the most close people, family, relatives, best friends etc; we do expect something get back from them, always, we attached to them and our ego wants to have back love/attention etc. I feel that is the hardest lesson which will come just with trying. But I’m glad to realize it at least, I’m on right way.

P.S. finished post, talked to my parents and my father wants to subscribe for course in Ukraine in October, so happy to give them at least a change to try it!

Use your energy for 100%

Today I'm having so special day, actually I guess it's more about special feeling!
I feel so good, let's try to describe. Happy, peaceful, lovely, natural, enjoyable and so relax, may be even just tired! I guess I would be strange to feel so good every single day otherwise I wouldn't appreciate it so much:)
Why do I feel like that I don't know :) I just feel.

Last month was quite full off activities, events, travelling and meeting new people!
I was in London for long weekend in the beginning of May, it was on of the bright trip so far. I loved my time in London! I don't know do I like actually London or not :) I guess I wouldn't like to live in LND, but I do appreciate my time in LND & thought I got there and after! It was very quality time. I couldn't manage to see all London, but I know that I want to study in London! I would say now it's a dream I haven't found exactly the program I don't have money yet, but I know that I want to study in London!

Olesya was in Bonn, with my friends from Sevastopol I always have fun in a special way :D every single day I've been enjoying with her!
Last weekend I met Alisa in Paris! I would say "doesn't matter how far away your friends and how often you talk/meet, but if you connected, it's forever!" I had feeling that we still in Estonia in our dormitory having brilliant porridge breakfast. She improved her cooking skills very much! :) We were having a nice chat; she still can read my mind very well :) I love it! My Estonian team we missed you!!!
But in Paris I had a couple of goals, accept visiting Alisa and doing sightseeing there. Olesya, Luka & Myself were having a small team reunion and celebrated Olesya's B'Day in Paris, it was like "Dreams come truth!" :)
As soon as you can dream about you can make it, Olesya just called me some day in January and asked: "Inna what do you think if I come to visit you in May and we later go to Paris to drink Champagne in the Champs-Élysées on my Birthday?" and it happened :) Of course we had a great party and went to night club!!! And it was one of the an amazing party ever :) I don't remember then I've been really dancing till 6a.m. on high hills, and during night I even didn't drink alcohol, I've been just dancing of course I had a good partner and nice company...it was awesome dancing night in Paris! :) after I couldn't move properly, but it's other story ;)
French people so interesting, there are not like other Europeans, there are different, very specific; honestly I have not got very good imprisons about them, but I hope I just don't know them enough, although Red French wine is extremely testy :)
I came back in Bonn without any energy:) totally sleepy, but with huge smile! :)
On Wednesday, Francisco (my flatmates) organized party in our place, I couldn't believe that so many people might come! It was 40-50 ppl, we had a queue next to enters!!! Some Germans just came and asked: "Is it Open Door Party?" it was very good chill out! Even Nadya with Anna & Yat Wan showed up for half a hour before going to Turkey :)
Yesterday I had lovely Thursday (official holiday in Germany) :) I just love yesterday, even I've been sad a bit to say bb to Olesya, but she had to come back in Kiev… later I went to Hofgarten with book for man and I couldn't stop reading, even in some point I've been cold, but I had so much fun! :) It's not a first time when I read a book specially for man, but it's always interesting to know the man perspective about women and sometimes I must say sometimes they knew us better when we do :) and Indian dinner with nice game completed such great day!

Today is Friday, almost empty office, nothing urgent, just learning day :) but I feel so good, even still didn't recover my energy from previous parties, events, trips, but I feel so special :)

But you know, time to time, when everything seems to be so perfect, it's just a right moment to move on to new adventures or you might have slept some important moment, I guess it's easy to say but not to do, that feeling just eating you and you want to stay on it, it's so comfortable, convention and lovely. But I should I must really do steps for the future!
Still don't know what I will do since 1st of December or 1st of January 2010! I'm on a process to found what I want to do, sometimes I feel that I'm just a dreamer :) but I hope I'll discover soon the right place for me!

I know I'll recover my battery soon and I would be ready for next step.
Suppose to have peaceful weekend for myself and for my future :)

Dream On!!!

“Close your ears to all adverse suggestions. Never mind if people call you a fool and a dreamer. Dream on.” ~ Wallace D. Wattles

I've been inspiring to DREAM!!! after reading some short motivation from PilosophicasNotes.
I really feel if we keep a discipline of dreaming (sound strange I know) but we really can make an amazing progress, make things which never even exists.
I do keep practising, I guess even more then I've been a chilled :)
For self motivation I started to remember when my dreams came truth….

The first biggest one, which I remember it was on Millennium New Year, when I got as a present my first PC from parents and I really didn't expect! It was just dream, even I wasn't so young 16 years old, but still I had internal feelings to believe that it will happened.
The second one was to get an award for Scientific activities and I got it, even I got on the last year at University, and I wasn't so happy anymore, but in the beginning of my study it was just a dream!!!
Since I joined AIESEC I would say I started to think more strategically and sometimes I couldn't separate my dreams from my plans (long-term or short-term goals), because they were always ambitions :)
But when I came to Estonia, during first weeks of my MC term I had a reflection time (when I couldn't got visa to Latvia and had to skip Baltic meeting) I had enough time for myself and recently one thought sound as a dream and I even couldn’t believe that it's possible. I wanted to work with investment management and to bring investments to Ukraine or Russia. I had no clue how I can do that, I even was not confident that I can make it but when you really dream your internal feelings work and you start to find everything regarding your dream. Sooner or later if you keep the direction it comes. I found that SME or they found me :) The third dream came truth I started to work in EXCEDEA (Excedea is a leading management and investment advisor in the Baltics and Eastern Europe.) I have to say that I liked it very much, first time in business sector I felt that I can use my finance/analytical knowledge for doing impact. I had very good team, trustful and open managers, who as a role model keep balance in live and achieve the result. We did our job as a hobby and always enjoyed it.
But I had other goal or dream (I don't know what was it exactly); I wanted to have an experience on multinational company as a result I'm now in DHL, doing my internship.
What is the next my dream???
After a lot of goal settings in AIESEC, I feel that I enjoy more reflection time. I try to find every week some hours for myself to listen myself and ask questions. One of the thought/answer which is often in my mind last 3 month is doing more impact using my finance knowledge, ability to work with people and analysing skills!
Investment aria still as an option, but I feel I want to see more, Emerging markets, development relationship between them and connect partners/companies/countries, bring an investment to them, show the direction of development and make people happy though there development. I'm not sure yet what it is… but I know it will come.

So happy to find a minute to write about my DREAM….

P.s. just red again my post and I noticed that a lot of thought are missing, such as human feelings (love, passion, respect, curiosity) may be it will come on latest post…:)

What do you think about?

Some days ago I watch video on TED.COM something relevant of out brain and how does it work...The main message was how many % of your time to do you thing about something/someone really important for you? or what do you think about most time is really values for you or at least on that moment and we should keep attention on that and don't ignore. (lost the video link :)

I become curious what does pump in my mind?
what is the main topic for me? whom I become tomorrow? where am I going to be tomorrow? What is the my history story should be for tomorrow?
do I really think or just try to analyze situation/task/information/reality around?
do I really think about someone/something or just try to solved upcoming reality?
...
I came to some conclusions...
yes, often information/social stereotype just doesn't let us to use our brain for our-self on 100%, but we must manage it, at least try to do that.
Everything happened 2 times, first in your mind!!! I always believed on power of thoughts, but I guess we do not always use that power!Dreaming is a key to success of powerful thinking. I'm not sure can I dream :) I even started to smile when I asked myself do you dream or build plans for future? every single kid can dream it's for sure I suppose with age we just loosing that ability and as long as we can practicing of it we could keep out creativity and power of great thinking. I hope to keep practicing of dreaming.


I'm so glad that I'm curious person and I always have to have passion and ask myself different question... But our brain is a complex and important to ask RIGHT question, it's not easy, but always interesting.
Reading and meeting people are key for me to keep asking questions.
Now I suppose the main questions in my mind are:
How can I contribute to the world with my finance knowledge?
how to feel/keep LOVE all my life?

One of the thing which I learn in London after visiting the museum of Astronomy: "Keep Asking and you will find an answer"

We live in the world which we build in our mind!!!

Something I feel that we live in illusion world! As soon as you could protect you mind of negative news which you got everyday via TV, newspapers or internet, especially social network :)
As soon as you could accept every satiation which is going on it saved you and we could protect our mind and to build our own illusions, not be depending of information, new and presser which we got every single day. Something takes us away of our way of thinking, which is a trash for us. I guess I should be more careful with information which I read and search, especially in internet!
I discover if I can 100 % relax my mind, I can be the most creative and initiative person in the world, I have just “pink” pictures. I need just to practice how to do that.
One of the last examples. On last weekend I went to Frankfurt, I’ve been invited as a chair of Local Conference LC FF, yes, again AIESEC :)
On Friday (03.04.09) I went to Vlad’s BBQ Birthday Party (0ne of my colleague in DHL), party was great, martini as well :) I don’t know how I woke up on Saturday early morning, I guess my responsibility didn’t let me to sleep more :) but when I’ve been on the train on a way to Frankfurt, I realized that probably I forgot to wake my brain up and it was still sleeping at home. Everyone could say it was the worse condition to think out about whatever… you can just sleep :)
But I had to finish some task, usually it takes about 1 hour, but I come up with the great ideas in 3-4 min and just proceed during next 10 min and it was done, of course I slept after :) I’ve been surprised of myself.
Some other examples which come now to my mind when I’ve been very creative I’ve been always relax with good impressions at least about the day: I stated to experienced that and noticed during my MC term Estonia, when atmosphere in our team was enough relax and ideas just came up. I always had feeling and impressions that any situation is temporary and we’ll come to great solution. It worked perfectly. Sometimes now when my manager just specks loudly his thought and it’s not related my task directly I feel that I can do a correct comment and make a suggestion, just because it doesn’t stress or press me :). I’m so happy when I feel that.
I love that feeling.
As soon as I do practice to relax my mind and to build a great illusion in my mind I could notice more often and often I got a great ideas or good solutions :)
Although I have expressed a negative point with good illusions as well, sometimes when it’s too personal it’s become more as dreams and it’s difficult to get a line between dreams, illusions and intuition :)
It should come with a practice to build our own mind and thoughts.

One month past

06.01.2009
5 weeks ago I left home, seems to be so short time, but life with full of events gives other perspective…I feel that past almost 1 year! I guess I changed or at least my thoughts :)
I’m setting my new life here in Germany. I can’t say that Bonn the best city in the world and I’ve been always dreaming to leave in, but as I like small capitals, ex capital might consider.

Why am I here? I got an internship in DHL Finance Freight headquarter office for one year! I work with Net working capital, cash management in different internal finance calculation and elaborations in all countries in Europe. I do a lot of analysis that I like very much. I found a lot of benefits to work in open space office, where during discussion you could learn a lot as well. People in my department are very divers and international, my manager from Colombia, predecessor from Mexico and the CFO from the Netherlands and I could continue the list….sometimes my task is challenging, but I like it, a lot of potential for development. Even DHL is the biggest logistic company in the world and I work with finance (quite strictly area) I feel that I have quite enough enterprises. In the begging I was afraid it but now I’d like to bring something new that pushing me study more about company, the field and specific knowledge of course. In Finance Freight department works majority man with great sense of humor. At work I feel as at comedy show. I feel that I’m quite serious at work and may be not natural :) but it’s good room for improvement.

My leaving condition is not perfect. I leave in old house together with one African France native speaker girl and with landlords. They’re a couple a men is almost 60th years old from Germany and his wife is young lady from Latino America (Spanish native speaker). She is a student. Any one excepting master of the house can’t speak English, so I almost can’t communicate with anyone we just smile to each other or in case show something by mimic as a monkey :)
My room is relatively big, I have even washing mashing in :) but as I recently found out that any longer can enter in my room when I’m out to do some washing … yep, how could you feel about it?… one cornet on the ceiling in my room seems to be quite wet. So far it doesn’t disturbing me so much; I am just not sure how healthy it’s to leave on such conditions. I decorated my room with some pictures & applications, so I like it. The most difficult issue for me in my apartment is lack of Internet connection. Yes, I have to accept that I’m FREAK of Internet!!! never thought that it’s so important in my life! Even I know that nothing happened with me and the world if I don’t check mail one or two days, but I feel dependent of internet, I guess it’s partly a horrible habit!!!
On the first week in office I haven’t had internet as well and I hold a personal record 4 days without internet and TV!!! Can you believe that I’m in Germany in one of the developed country in the world!!! :D My manager was making jokes about it one week more, especially when he printed some news for me in the morning :)
I have quite good transport connection to office and to the city center, shops, cinema, sport club and even theater… may be because before it was a district where were located embassies and lived ambassadors. Here still you could find a couple of embassies the poor countries, which couldn’t move to Berlin :)
The houses and residences around are so beautiful, quite old and not typical, that give special spirit to that part of Bonn. Every morning I enjoy the view walking to the bus stop (7-10 min). The sky and clouds are not so beautiful and big as in Estonia or Scandinavia, but I still love to admire the sky…
No matter of all that issues I’m facing but I like Bad Godesberg (the district in Bonn), even as soon as I got an opportunity to move to the city center I’ll do it!

My social life is fixing slowly. Some party, dinners, coffer, I do like it. Since next week I’m starting German lessons 2 times per week, found a sport club already I hope I’ll manage to go at least 3 times per week. Yesterday in one café I found a lot of promotions with different events in Bonn. So considering starting Tango lessons, at least try it and decide do I like it or not, even it’s a bit expensive for my budget so far, but I’d like to try and make my priority… Theaters, music concerts, opera, dance show in a plan already … so if people say that they’re bored, there’re boring! One more time come up with thought that you build your community which depending from whom you’re, how maturity you’re and what you’re looking for. I can’t say that I have new friends here already, but I feel quite comfortable, but definitely I have a very interesting people around, what I’m glad for.

One more time after life in Estonia rediscovered how to leave to my own life! To be just myself, behave and act as Inna Kostyuk, not at MC member, not as good doter or someone else, just be who I’m and love it simply.

So far I’ve visited Nadi’ka in Brussels already on Christmas… it was unexpected nice trip :) you couldn’t imagine that on the last moment I didn’t want to go to Brussels and how was difficult for me to buy a ticket, I have had a first cultural shock in Germany so far… but as usually I always like to spend some quality time with Nadya and great party as well :) I’ve been learning to cook Chinese dishes, need to practice… I’m glad that I came to Brussels :)

The New Year Eve I spent in Bonn, good dinner, nice farewells next to the river and party of course. It was a bit different but our life should be divers and colorful… so far all new thing I try to appreciate and to enjoy.

I miss my family very much; I guess I never missed them so much, even I don’t leave at home quite long time, but now its spatial feelings… I can’t describe even for myself, why do I miss them so much, if we talk almost every day and sending mails to each other often as well…or I really fell that I’m not a chilled anymore and just I responsible for my life and no one else…
And each year, day and time in the life are special….

Blogging again

I was waiting that moment when I would feel to write again :)

I started a couple of time to write a story, thought and something stopped me, so let it be :)

I can’t continue blogging without dissemble about April and my long vacation.

Why April? From the first view nothing seriously happened, it was just one more wonderful month in my life! It was a month of memorable discovering, mental changes and enjoying moments. There were:

* In life we see a lot of paradigm as “when men loves a women” song by M.Bolton. Men usually do even impossible things to follow there feeling or wishes. Sometimes it’s dangerous just observe it from the outside! I’m not so young do not know that, but still…..

* “Run to your fears” by Robert Sharma. I had a couple of situations when I run for my fears. As natural for me most power feeling connected with sport. We wend to the last conference as MC of AIESEC Estonia and on post meeting our team decided to do rolling on s professional road. First challenge was to clime on by rollers (remarked I didn’t roll since childhood, but in past I just practice a bit, so I was almost new in!) usually when you’re on a top of hill is following things are descent, but I was on rollers & almost I couldn’t manage them :) so I did it! I rush to the fear! I rush down, almost all way I could manage successful till the last tern :) yes, I fall, what is logical, but I made that professional roller circle!!!! It was unforgettable feeling of winning, I won myself and I just started to manage myself on a speed. When you afraid just do it and you will satisfy of yourself. Simple to say, but difficult to step over the comfort zone!

Love that feeling.

* Orientation on a result. In out life we have done a lot of thing, which is not so important for us. Keeping working doesn’t mean a great success or right result! Doing right things + keep balance = result & internal happiness. Thanks to my team of AIESEC Estonia 2007-2008 for that great learning.

In general my year in Estonia was not like I expected, it was even better! I visited 12 countries for one year! In some places I was twice or thrice time. I started to realize a new mentality, I definitely become more open minded then I’ve been before :) I’m sure now that I like Scandinavian way of thinking, it’s not easiest or typical way of thinking always, may be there is a zest. I could live in Scandinavia (Copenhagen or Stockholm there are my two favorite places so far). I started appreciate my personal time very much. Sometimes I love to be a lone, what never happened before :)